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| Author | Subject | David Cressey 
Global user
(3/24/00 10:31:08 am)
209.206.35.185
Reply | Edit | Del All | Pioneers being borked
...and here's a thread for the lighter side of Computer pioneers. Some imagined conversations between borks and the greats.
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 10:34:21 am)
209.206.35.185
Reply | Edit | Del | Ms Hopper...mind if I call you Grace?...
... it's about your resume.
It never says here that you actually held a job WRITING programs in COBOL... We know that you can talk the talk, but how do we know that you can walk the walk?
Maybe if you sent us over a few more references we could do something with you.... and one more thing... no more Navy guys, OK? we want some references in industry!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 12:36:20 pm)
209.206.27.7
Reply | Edit | Del | Ms Worth... mind if I call you Nichole?...
...Oh, I'm sorry about that, Nick, that's just the way your name appeared on our database. How's that again?
N...i...k...l...a...u...s...W...i...r...t...h. Good.
I'm glad we got that straightened out.
Anyway, Nick, you've got an impressive background in PASCAL, but unfortunately, our client needs someone who is familiar with C.
...Oh yes, I'm sure you think so, but a lot of neophyte programmers think they can switch from one language to another without much trouble. Frankly, at $40 an hour, our client can't afford soembody who is going to be looking up in the manuals every couple of minutes just to see how the language works. They need somebody who can hit the ground running, and you aren't quite there, yet.
On the other hand, in your skills list, it did say something about "strong typing". We still get occasional calls in for wordprocessing operators. Maybe we could interest you in one of those. In the meantime, you could enroll in a "C" course at a local community college and, who knows, maybe someday your big opportunity will come!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 2:03:07 pm)
209.206.27.47
Reply | Edit | Del | Tell me, Mr. Wiener, is that really your last name
??
Well, yes, but I had to check. You wouldn't believe some of the crazy stuff we get coming into this office. Anyways, at least you can reassure me that you don't drive around in a car that looks like a hot dog, right? Ha, Ha!
Anyways, Norm ... I mean Norb... it says here that you've been having a lot of fun with "cybernetics". Now... I hope you aren't going to take this the wrong way... but it's going to take a lot more than computer games to start earning the big bucks in industry!
Well, yes, but some of the people we get are a little oversensistive. I'm sure we aren't going to have that problem with you, now are we?
People who hire contractors are expecting a serious minded person, and we're just going to have to give your resume a little help, just to bring it up to snuff.
Do you think you could come in for an interview? That way we could get to know each other, and we'd learn how best to help you get your career moving in the right direction!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/26/00 8:20:31 am)
206.15.143.183
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Olsen, mind if I call you Kenny?
...Oh I'm sorry about that, I must have been thinking of Kenny G.
Anyway, Ken, I'm calling you from over here at Downe, Duherty, & Lowe where we got the application you filled out last week, and I'm really enthusiastic! Lately, we've been placing design engineers with all the top companies. Lemme tell ya, this field is really exploding, and you've definitely come to the right place!
Ken, I just want to go over a few details about what you sent us, OK? In the section on "Accomplishments" you've made a lot of entries, but they all say "digital this" or "digital that" without ever actually naming the companies you did all this work for...
Oh...really? You know, I've never actually heard of a company with that name. They must not have done much advertising! Anyways, way back in that time frame, about the only thing that was "digital" was my dad's wristwatch. Say, these logic modules you designed didn't go into wristwatches, did they? Ha Ha!
Anyway, moving right along, I noticed that, under references, you filled in section under "subordinates", but you left the section marked "peers" and the section marked "supervisors" blank. That's a big gap, Ken. If we're going to market you to today's management types, they need to know that you're going to be a team player... Well, just do the best you can, and fill in a few names, OK?
Next, You have to understand that, as impressive as your work is, you haven't done much technical work for several years, and this technology keeps changing all the time. If you want to get back into the swing of things, I think we're going to have to put you in at an entry level, say, as an "Associate Design Engineer".
...Yes, we can only get about $25 an hour for that, but it's just for a little while, until you can put some impressive current credentials on your resume.
Finally, there's one thing a gotta cover with you. You might end up reporting to people, at the client's site, who are considerably younger than you are. You won't have a problem with that, will you? Good, I thought not. I just had to ask because some people have a hang up about things like that. I call 'em "high maintenance" types. We find we can keep our clients happier if we send in people who just want to do the work, and aren't worried about other issues.
Well, it's been great talking with you Ken. You get those added references in to us, and I'll keep your material on file, and we'll call you just as soon as there's a match, OK?
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
Edited by David Cressey at: 3/26/00 8:20:31 am
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/27/00 6:00:37 pm)
209.206.2.1
Reply | Edit | Del | I thought it would be fun...
to imagine a borker that knew nothing about the personal side of Alan Turing, proceeding down a path that they sometimes take with the rest of us guys...
So that's the way I wrote it up...
I hope everybody remembers that this is light humor...not that you needed to be reminded.
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/27/00 6:05:07 pm)
209.206.2.1
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Turing? Al?
Well, hi! I’m Tiffany! I’m having a great day over here at Leowe, Downe & Duherty! Are you having a great day, over where you are? Well great! I really like hearing that … when everybody’s having a great day, I think that’s just…well…great! (tee hee)
I think my brother once had a bicycle that was made by the Turing company. That wouldn’t be a relative of yours, would it? (tee hee)
I’m calling because one of our search engines popped up with your resume, and I was lucky enough to get the assignment! As soon as I began reading about you, I started to get really excited! I think you’re just the candidate I’ve been waiting for!
Here’s what I’d like to offer you. Why don’t you come down here tomorrow, say around 11:30. Then, we can go out to lunch together, just you and me. That will give you a chance to talk freely about your goals and aspirations. Hearing that is really important to me, because it allows me to relate to you as a real person, and not just a creature from cyberspace. And it gives me a chance to think about what I can do to make your dreams come true!
After that we can drop by the office, where you can meet the crazy guys and gals I work with every day…
…Yeah, there are a few guys who work here, too. Most of them are on the other side of the office, over in Sales. But I wouldn’t worry too much about them. Right now, I’m interested in you!
Anyway, while you’re here, it’ll give you a chance to sign our two standard agreements. It’s just a formality…won’t take you more than couple of minutes. Tell you the truth, I’ve never read them, and most people don’t.
In the meantime, you can get to know me better, right away! Just set your browser to
www.duherty.com/staff/tiffany.htm
Al, I like to imagine your opportunities as if they were written on a tape that’s been unrolled so that we can both examine each opportunity together. The tape is long, and it’s straight, and it stretches out as far as the eye can see! There’s no limit to how far you can go, Al, and I want you to think of me as the one who can take you there!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| coder
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 12:44:19 am)
166.93.222.110
Reply | Edit | Del | Sorry Mr. Gosling, not enough Java experience
Hello James? Yes this is Susie. My sweater is so tight that I pass out from oxygen deprivation
if I talk too long, so I'll make this short. Mr. Gosling I'm calling to let you know that we
have decided not to submit your resume to Big Evil Political Organization Inc. You see
the job req clearly requires 8 years of Java experience. However you have only been working
with Java since 1994. What, you say you developed Java in 1994 and released it in 1995? Well,
I don't understand technical terms like "developed" and "released", so it's obvious to me
that you have an attitude problem and probably would not fit in at Evil Political Organization.
We are looking for team players, not prima donnas. Now Mr. Gosling, while I have you on the
phone. do you know any Sybase or Oracle DBAs that are looking for work?
| J Matthew Sebastian
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 10:46:59 am)
207.42.205.127
Reply | Edit | Del | Sorry Mr. Knuth..
I see you've worked on a lot of small projects, have you worked on any large ones involving more than just 1 or 2 programmers?
No, hmm..
What language did you work in again?
| Farnorth
Global user
(3/28/00 1:47:06 pm)
208.162.148.50
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Inmon, I guess you didn't understand our ad...
... but we're looking for a database administrator, not a warehouseman. Perhaps one of the temporary agencies that hires out day laborers can help you find some work.
But since you're here, maybe you'd like to complete our Orucule test.
1) What is a carnesion joyne? Is it good or bad?
2) How much did you make on your last Oracul job?
3) What is more effishunt - a left inner joyne or a right outer joyne? Why?
4) What is the name of the manager on your last Oracul job?
5) How would you put a trigger in a pakage?
6) What is the diffurents between JDBC, ODBC, SQLJ and PLSQL? Why?
7) What is the most number of records you can put in a database?
 Why are manhole covers rownd?
9) Waht is a ref curser?
10) What is the diferents between an implisit and a explisit cursor?
11) How do you raze an eckseptin in an Oracul pakage?
| bitblt
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 5:14:38 pm)
216.76.29.178
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Brooks...this is Borker Elit calling...
our client said you spoke about mythology in your interview. Something about myths and man-months. They say man-months are important - as long as there aren't too many of them - but they don't seem the connection with myths.
They also think there may be a problem with your attitude toward the opposite gender. They think the attempt at humor with the joke about " 9 months to make a baby regardless of the number of women assigned " shows a lack of sensitivity.
Mr. Brooks, Borker Elit will be sending a Mr. DeMarco to interview with this client - just as soon as we can get him cleaned up. He's been living in the desert.
| JeremyB
Local user
(3/30/00 1:03:26 am)
158.252.213.179
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr Codd - it's about a database
I'm Bambi Bigchest from Borkem, Grabbit and Runne.
Oh, I see, it's "Dr" Codd...well, we're not big on academic qualifications in this business you know. I myself have both a CPR certificate AND and I teach Aerobics, and you don't hear me bragging about that...
Anyway, we're always looking for Database people.
Oh, you say you've been working with relational databases since the 70's ?? - and you invented them ???
Well, you won't believe HOW many people have told me that !
Besides, I read all the technical journals, like 'People' and 'TV Guide' and I KNOW Larry Ellison invented databases.
Besides, he's loaded, kinda cute and desperate to get married. Might as well be me...tee-hee...
Anyway, we might be able to place you in one of our Oracle positions. Oh, you've just worked with DB2 ??
Well, it says here that these are completely different buzzwords, but we might be able to find you an entry-level position.
Well, no need to take that kind of attitude....perhaps you're too 'high-maintenance' for us at Borkem, Grabbit and Runne....
| Oldie but Goodie
Unregistered User
(3/30/00 8:47:27 am)
209.94.153.19
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Yourdon, there's no demand for Y2K experience
Look Eddie, there's no point in beating around the bush. This resume of yours just screams "old technology." I mean like Y2K--that's history! And, frankly, all those books on your resume make it pretty clear you're more of a tech writer than a real code warrior.
But we've got a great opportunity here that might just be perfect for you. The client wants a content provider their new web site and I think that because of your tech writing background, well, you might just have a chance at it.
The pay? Well, you gotta understand that this is really an opportunity to get in on the ground floor--I mean, if they like the work you do on this job, it could lead to some really Big Things. How big? Well, lemme explain. This job is actually temp-to-perm, so, I mean, like if you do a really great job, that $15/hr could end up being $32,000 per year with some major bennies. I mean, last year this company took all their entire staff to Hooters for a major blow-out--company paid drinks and everything!
Look Eddie, I think you Y2K guys got spoiled! I mean, you aren't gonna see rates like that again. And face it, you don't have a degree in Journalism, so even this job is a stretch. I mean, honestly, you're gonna be competing with some people who can ask for $20/hr and get it, no problem.
Oh, and before I forget, when you go to the interview, do you think you could kinda not mention all the travelling you've done. I mean, you don't want to scare the client off. They're looking for someone who will stick around and, ya know, grow with the company!
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/30/00 11:32:16 am)
206.15.159.63
Reply | Edit | Del | ...and another thing, Mr. Codd
Nobody stores data in "relations" anymore! Nowadays, it's all "tables". You've got to stay up with current technology if you expect to market yourself!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| Honest Guy 
Local user
(3/30/00 12:43:52 pm)
216.15.121.155
Reply | Edit | Del | Ahem, Mr. Ruth…
I noticed on the objective portion of your resume that you want to be an outfielder and that you think you might be a good hitter? Well, as you know baseball is very specialized and… What, you say you’ve been taking BP and working on your hitting after practice? Yawn… Really, Mr. Ruth, I’m sure you understand that BP is not the real world. Our clients here in Boston trust us to know your abilities and talents. I’ve spent weeks, err, months’ honing my skills in this area and your resume doesn’t show a facility for hitting…
Humph, Mr. Ruth, what kind of language is that? Of course, I’ve never hit a curveball but that’s beside the point. No, Mr. Ruth I’ve never hit a fastball either, but… Now wait one minute, I’ve played catch with my son so I’ve got a certain “understanding” of the game and pitchers pitch, and hitters, well they hit. Our clients expect our people to hit, pardon the pun, the ground running, not learn on the job. Why Mr. Ruth, if we did what you are asking, I don’t think we would be hitting many home runs, now would we.
Also, the reason I wanted to meet with you is that I wanted to make sure that you were presentable to our clients. So, about that belly…
| Farnorth
Global user
(3/30/00 1:12:32 pm)
208.162.148.50
Reply | Edit | Del | Hi. Mr. Zachman?
Hi. My name's Brad. I'm calling from A***T*k. Hi.
Wow, um, I can't believe you're, like, interested in working in high tech. Like, my mom really loved you in that band Zachman, Turner Overdrive.
Hello?
Mr. Zachman? Hello?
| ColinR
Local user
(3/30/00 2:54:00 pm)
137.122.105.56
Reply | Edit | Del | Only Canadians will get this one...
...BTO - one of the great Canadian rock bands
| David E 
Global user
(3/30/00 3:22:24 pm)
167.193.64.72
Reply | Edit | Del | Heard them on the radio here in Georgia
Just the other day I swear I heard "Taking Care of Business" while driving to work. And hardly a day passes without seeing or hearing Céline Dion on something. Canadians are big in the U.S. entertainment industry. My mother was right. If I hadn't quit my piano lessons I might have a green card by now. 
| Dinosaur
Local user
(3/30/00 6:12:17 pm)
206.141.217.199
Reply | Edit | Del | Re: Ms Hopper...mind if I call you Grace?...
Try "Admiral", sonny!
Over what hill? I don't remember any hill!
| ColinR
Local user
(3/31/00 7:18:03 am)
137.122.105.56
Reply | Edit | Del | Céline? Please...
...no body outside of Quebec in Canada admits to listening to her on purpose! She is the French incarnation of Cher (in her own mind anyways). You probably hear alot of her in your neck of the woods because so many Quebec folks vacation in Georgia/Florida area.
Hey, tickets go on sale tomorrow for the reunion tour of the Guess Who, if you are interested though. After Mr. Z(B)achman got turned down for the contracting gig, he must have decided to bury the hatchet with Burton Cummings and do the tour.
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/31/00 8:25:52 am)
206.15.142.85
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello. Is this Billy Gates?
Hi. This Raugh Meete, calling you, and this is your lucky day. You've been selected to apply for an opportunity as an affiliated associate over here at Leowe, Downe, and Duherty.
As an affiliated associate, you'll get the name recognition that goes with one of the largest and most prestigious firms in this industry. You'll get access to all the best opportunities to advance your career and face exciting new challenges.
First we'll interview you here. That way we can make sure you know how to dress right, and say the right things in front of a customer. Then, we'll issue you a set of professional looking business cards from Leowe, Downe, and Duherty, with your name right on them!
...yeah, that's right, we don't want you using any of your own cards. That just confuses our customer, and we don't want to do that. If anybody asks, you just say you're an employee of Leowe, Downe, and Duherty. Technically, you won't actually be an affiliated associate until you begin your first contract, but our customer doesn't need to know that.
...well, you know, I was coming to that. Your resume reads kind of funny. It's almost like you can't make up your mind whether you want to be a technical type or a marketing type. Well, I've seen a lot of people come and go in this industry, and people who try to do both usually end up not doing either one very well.
Let me tell you one simple truth: If you look like a geek, and you act like a geek, and you talk like a geek, you're a geek. And customers don't want to buy from geeks.
Yeah, sure, you've managed to land a few two bit contracts on your own. But if you were faced with a real Fortune 500 customer, like IBM, you wouldn't know how to act.
You'd be lucky to get past the front desk. And even if you did, they'd never let you finish your pitch. They'd call security and march your ass right out to the parking lot so fast it would make your head spin.
No, you need people like us. We've got the contacts, we can close the deals, and we can put you to work right away.
Say, did you get an MBA from the Harvard Business School? ...Oh... I guess you got in a little over your head, didn't you? Well, never mind.
...yes, well we like to keep it simple. Things like vacations, retirement, severance, and health insurance just make it complicated. Here's how it works: the customer hires you, you do the work, the customer pays us, and then we pay you. Simple.
How much? For you, about $30 an hour.
Look, I guess I'm going to have to remind you where you are on the food chain here. Almost all of your technical projects involve BASIC. You know, and I know, what the "B" in "BASIC" stands for. It stands for "Beginner", right? Or am I wrong?
Look we already have enough on you to make sure you never work in this town again, if it comes to that. If push comes to shove, you're going to find that it's very hard to go against us.
But you're too smart to let that happen, aren't you? You not gonna bite the hand that feeds you, are you?
Look at it this way: you work 2000 hours in one year, and that's sixty thousand bucks in your pocket. That's probably more money than you ever expected to see in one place in your life!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
Edited by David Cressey at: 3/31/00 8:25:52 am
| Cathar
Global user
(3/31/00 9:49:55 am)
192.31.86.35
Reply | Edit | Del | Canuck Rockers
Gotta mention Neil Young.
Martha and the Muffins - although I'm probably the last guy on earth who remembers them.
Wasn't Def Leppard Canadian?
| Compugasm
Global user
(6/2/00 5:01:16 am)
209.245.41.8
Reply | Edit | Del
 | Genius
Your graphic skills are amazing, I have never seen such stunning, detailed, and professional work from a freelance graphic artist. However, We're worried that we didn't really get to see any working websites in your portfolio. I am an idiot who doesn't realize websites change addresses, or companies go bankrupt. Also, In your "programs used" we didn't see CGI. We decided after a lot of thought not to make you an offer.
Master Compugasm http://64.45.19.84/
| IT Whore
Unregistered User
(6/2/00 6:08:56 am)
12.24.200.253
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Stroustrup
I see that you have Danish citizenship. Also, you have no NT experience. I don't think the client will sponsor an H1B for mainframe guy, sorry. 
| chicagowebgeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:00:13 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello, Ms. Hopper..
..Hi, yes I see that. You found a moth. Very good, very good. Our client is looking for programmers, not exterminators. Now, when you have your VB Certification, please feel free to call us back.
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:02:38 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Torvalds....
Say, we think you're great and all. However our client specifically asked for somebody who was Red-Hat certified. I'm sorry, but there's just nothing I can do.
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:06:34 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello, Mr. Ritchie...
Dear Mr. Ritchie,
It was a pleasure meeting with you today to discuss your resume.
We presented you to our client and are afraid we were unable to place you at this time. While you are proficient in C, our client is currently building their applications in C++. In addition, they felt your experience with the Microsoft Foundation Class was severely lacking.
If you decide to become certified in these areas, we would be happy to re-evaluate your resume.
Sincerely,
Bigus Dickus
Brian Placements
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:14:06 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Van Gof is it?
..oh, it's pronounced Go. So sorry.
We looked at your portfolio and, well, we don't feel it's a good match for our web design position. We are in the business of selling beans online, and frankly, the stuff you showed me. I just don't get it. You have no clear-cut spatial organization and your color schemes are horrendous.
What I would suggest is that you give your ear to some lectures on graphic design. Also, you may want to pick up some books like "Web Pages that Suck." and "Working with PhotoShop".
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:23:42 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | That paradigm just doesn't fit ....
... into the new economy Mr. Ogilvy.
Now look. I have been developing web pages for 3 years now, so I know. You don't even know your HTML. Don't give me Ogilvly on Advertising this, and ogilvy that. Oh sure, so you made a few print ads. We are in the business of monetizing eyeballs to build cooperative interactive vertical communities to harness, sythesize, and revolutionize the Internet space our clients occupy. We're not looking for ad-men.
|
| Author | Subject | David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 10:31:08 am)
209.206.35.185
Reply | Edit | Del All | Pioneers being borked
...and here's a thread for the lighter side of Computer pioneers. Some imagined conversations between borks and the greats.
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 10:34:21 am)
209.206.35.185
Reply | Edit | Del | Ms Hopper...mind if I call you Grace?...
... it's about your resume.
It never says here that you actually held a job WRITING programs in COBOL... We know that you can talk the talk, but how do we know that you can walk the walk?
Maybe if you sent us over a few more references we could do something with you.... and one more thing... no more Navy guys, OK? we want some references in industry!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 12:36:20 pm)
209.206.27.7
Reply | Edit | Del | Ms Worth... mind if I call you Nichole?...
...Oh, I'm sorry about that, Nick, that's just the way your name appeared on our database. How's that again?
N...i...k...l...a...u...s...W...i...r...t...h. Good.
I'm glad we got that straightened out.
Anyway, Nick, you've got an impressive background in PASCAL, but unfortunately, our client needs someone who is familiar with C.
...Oh yes, I'm sure you think so, but a lot of neophyte programmers think they can switch from one language to another without much trouble. Frankly, at $40 an hour, our client can't afford soembody who is going to be looking up in the manuals every couple of minutes just to see how the language works. They need somebody who can hit the ground running, and you aren't quite there, yet.
On the other hand, in your skills list, it did say something about "strong typing". We still get occasional calls in for wordprocessing operators. Maybe we could interest you in one of those. In the meantime, you could enroll in a "C" course at a local community college and, who knows, maybe someday your big opportunity will come!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/24/00 2:03:07 pm)
209.206.27.47
Reply | Edit | Del | Tell me, Mr. Wiener, is that really your last name
??
Well, yes, but I had to check. You wouldn't believe some of the crazy stuff we get coming into this office. Anyways, at least you can reassure me that you don't drive around in a car that looks like a hot dog, right? Ha, Ha!
Anyways, Norm ... I mean Norb... it says here that you've been having a lot of fun with "cybernetics". Now... I hope you aren't going to take this the wrong way... but it's going to take a lot more than computer games to start earning the big bucks in industry!
Well, yes, but some of the people we get are a little oversensistive. I'm sure we aren't going to have that problem with you, now are we?
People who hire contractors are expecting a serious minded person, and we're just going to have to give your resume a little help, just to bring it up to snuff.
Do you think you could come in for an interview? That way we could get to know each other, and we'd learn how best to help you get your career moving in the right direction!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/26/00 8:20:31 am)
206.15.143.183
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Olsen, mind if I call you Kenny?
...Oh I'm sorry about that, I must have been thinking of Kenny G.
Anyway, Ken, I'm calling you from over here at Downe, Duherty, & Lowe where we got the application you filled out last week, and I'm really enthusiastic! Lately, we've been placing design engineers with all the top companies. Lemme tell ya, this field is really exploding, and you've definitely come to the right place!
Ken, I just want to go over a few details about what you sent us, OK? In the section on "Accomplishments" you've made a lot of entries, but they all say "digital this" or "digital that" without ever actually naming the companies you did all this work for...
Oh...really? You know, I've never actually heard of a company with that name. They must not have done much advertising! Anyways, way back in that time frame, about the only thing that was "digital" was my dad's wristwatch. Say, these logic modules you designed didn't go into wristwatches, did they? Ha Ha!
Anyway, moving right along, I noticed that, under references, you filled in section under "subordinates", but you left the section marked "peers" and the section marked "supervisors" blank. That's a big gap, Ken. If we're going to market you to today's management types, they need to know that you're going to be a team player... Well, just do the best you can, and fill in a few names, OK?
Next, You have to understand that, as impressive as your work is, you haven't done much technical work for several years, and this technology keeps changing all the time. If you want to get back into the swing of things, I think we're going to have to put you in at an entry level, say, as an "Associate Design Engineer".
...Yes, we can only get about $25 an hour for that, but it's just for a little while, until you can put some impressive current credentials on your resume.
Finally, there's one thing a gotta cover with you. You might end up reporting to people, at the client's site, who are considerably younger than you are. You won't have a problem with that, will you? Good, I thought not. I just had to ask because some people have a hang up about things like that. I call 'em "high maintenance" types. We find we can keep our clients happier if we send in people who just want to do the work, and aren't worried about other issues.
Well, it's been great talking with you Ken. You get those added references in to us, and I'll keep your material on file, and we'll call you just as soon as there's a match, OK?
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
Edited by David Cressey at: 3/26/00 8:20:31 am
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/27/00 6:00:37 pm)
209.206.2.1
Reply | Edit | Del | I thought it would be fun...
to imagine a borker that knew nothing about the personal side of Alan Turing, proceeding down a path that they sometimes take with the rest of us guys...
So that's the way I wrote it up...
I hope everybody remembers that this is light humor...not that you needed to be reminded.
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/27/00 6:05:07 pm)
209.206.2.1
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Turing? Al?
Well, hi! I’m Tiffany! I’m having a great day over here at Leowe, Downe & Duherty! Are you having a great day, over where you are? Well great! I really like hearing that … when everybody’s having a great day, I think that’s just…well…great! (tee hee)
I think my brother once had a bicycle that was made by the Turing company. That wouldn’t be a relative of yours, would it? (tee hee)
I’m calling because one of our search engines popped up with your resume, and I was lucky enough to get the assignment! As soon as I began reading about you, I started to get really excited! I think you’re just the candidate I’ve been waiting for!
Here’s what I’d like to offer you. Why don’t you come down here tomorrow, say around 11:30. Then, we can go out to lunch together, just you and me. That will give you a chance to talk freely about your goals and aspirations. Hearing that is really important to me, because it allows me to relate to you as a real person, and not just a creature from cyberspace. And it gives me a chance to think about what I can do to make your dreams come true!
After that we can drop by the office, where you can meet the crazy guys and gals I work with every day…
…Yeah, there are a few guys who work here, too. Most of them are on the other side of the office, over in Sales. But I wouldn’t worry too much about them. Right now, I’m interested in you!
Anyway, while you’re here, it’ll give you a chance to sign our two standard agreements. It’s just a formality…won’t take you more than couple of minutes. Tell you the truth, I’ve never read them, and most people don’t.
In the meantime, you can get to know me better, right away! Just set your browser to
www.duherty.com/staff/tiffany.htm
Al, I like to imagine your opportunities as if they were written on a tape that’s been unrolled so that we can both examine each opportunity together. The tape is long, and it’s straight, and it stretches out as far as the eye can see! There’s no limit to how far you can go, Al, and I want you to think of me as the one who can take you there!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| coder
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 12:44:19 am)
166.93.222.110
Reply | Edit | Del | Sorry Mr. Gosling, not enough Java experience
Hello James? Yes this is Susie. My sweater is so tight that I pass out from oxygen deprivation
if I talk too long, so I'll make this short. Mr. Gosling I'm calling to let you know that we
have decided not to submit your resume to Big Evil Political Organization Inc. You see
the job req clearly requires 8 years of Java experience. However you have only been working
with Java since 1994. What, you say you developed Java in 1994 and released it in 1995? Well,
I don't understand technical terms like "developed" and "released", so it's obvious to me
that you have an attitude problem and probably would not fit in at Evil Political Organization.
We are looking for team players, not prima donnas. Now Mr. Gosling, while I have you on the
phone. do you know any Sybase or Oracle DBAs that are looking for work?
| J Matthew Sebastian
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 10:46:59 am)
207.42.205.127
Reply | Edit | Del | Sorry Mr. Knuth..
I see you've worked on a lot of small projects, have you worked on any large ones involving more than just 1 or 2 programmers?
No, hmm..
What language did you work in again?
| Farnorth
Global user
(3/28/00 1:47:06 pm)
208.162.148.50
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Inmon, I guess you didn't understand our ad...
... but we're looking for a database administrator, not a warehouseman. Perhaps one of the temporary agencies that hires out day laborers can help you find some work.
But since you're here, maybe you'd like to complete our Orucule test.
1) What is a carnesion joyne? Is it good or bad?
2) How much did you make on your last Oracul job?
3) What is more effishunt - a left inner joyne or a right outer joyne? Why?
4) What is the name of the manager on your last Oracul job?
5) How would you put a trigger in a pakage?
6) What is the diffurents between JDBC, ODBC, SQLJ and PLSQL? Why?
7) What is the most number of records you can put in a database?
Why are manhole covers rownd?
9) Waht is a ref curser?
10) What is the diferents between an implisit and a explisit cursor?
11) How do you raze an eckseptin in an Oracul pakage?
| bitblt
Unregistered User
(3/28/00 5:14:38 pm)
216.76.29.178
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Brooks...this is Borker Elit calling...
our client said you spoke about mythology in your interview. Something about myths and man-months. They say man-months are important - as long as there aren't too many of them - but they don't seem the connection with myths.
They also think there may be a problem with your attitude toward the opposite gender. They think the attempt at humor with the joke about " 9 months to make a baby regardless of the number of women assigned " shows a lack of sensitivity.
Mr. Brooks, Borker Elit will be sending a Mr. DeMarco to interview with this client - just as soon as we can get him cleaned up. He's been living in the desert.
| JeremyB
Local user
(3/30/00 1:03:26 am)
158.252.213.179
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr Codd - it's about a database
I'm Bambi Bigchest from Borkem, Grabbit and Runne.
Oh, I see, it's "Dr" Codd...well, we're not big on academic qualifications in this business you know. I myself have both a CPR certificate AND and I teach Aerobics, and you don't hear me bragging about that...
Anyway, we're always looking for Database people.
Oh, you say you've been working with relational databases since the 70's ?? - and you invented them ???
Well, you won't believe HOW many people have told me that !
Besides, I read all the technical journals, like 'People' and 'TV Guide' and I KNOW Larry Ellison invented databases.
Besides, he's loaded, kinda cute and desperate to get married. Might as well be me...tee-hee...
Anyway, we might be able to place you in one of our Oracle positions. Oh, you've just worked with DB2 ??
Well, it says here that these are completely different buzzwords, but we might be able to find you an entry-level position.
Well, no need to take that kind of attitude....perhaps you're too 'high-maintenance' for us at Borkem, Grabbit and Runne....
| Oldie but Goodie
Unregistered User
(3/30/00 8:47:27 am)
209.94.153.19
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Yourdon, there's no demand for Y2K experience
Look Eddie, there's no point in beating around the bush. This resume of yours just screams "old technology." I mean like Y2K--that's history! And, frankly, all those books on your resume make it pretty clear you're more of a tech writer than a real code warrior.
But we've got a great opportunity here that might just be perfect for you. The client wants a content provider their new web site and I think that because of your tech writing background, well, you might just have a chance at it.
The pay? Well, you gotta understand that this is really an opportunity to get in on the ground floor--I mean, if they like the work you do on this job, it could lead to some really Big Things. How big? Well, lemme explain. This job is actually temp-to-perm, so, I mean, like if you do a really great job, that $15/hr could end up being $32,000 per year with some major bennies. I mean, last year this company took all their entire staff to Hooters for a major blow-out--company paid drinks and everything!
Look Eddie, I think you Y2K guys got spoiled! I mean, you aren't gonna see rates like that again. And face it, you don't have a degree in Journalism, so even this job is a stretch. I mean, honestly, you're gonna be competing with some people who can ask for $20/hr and get it, no problem.
Oh, and before I forget, when you go to the interview, do you think you could kinda not mention all the travelling you've done. I mean, you don't want to scare the client off. They're looking for someone who will stick around and, ya know, grow with the company!
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/30/00 11:32:16 am)
206.15.159.63
Reply | Edit | Del | ...and another thing, Mr. Codd
Nobody stores data in "relations" anymore! Nowadays, it's all "tables". You've got to stay up with current technology if you expect to market yourself!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
| Honest Guy
Local user
(3/30/00 12:43:52 pm)
216.15.121.155
Reply | Edit | Del | Ahem, Mr. Ruth…
I noticed on the objective portion of your resume that you want to be an outfielder and that you think you might be a good hitter? Well, as you know baseball is very specialized and… What, you say you’ve been taking BP and working on your hitting after practice? Yawn… Really, Mr. Ruth, I’m sure you understand that BP is not the real world. Our clients here in Boston trust us to know your abilities and talents. I’ve spent weeks, err, months’ honing my skills in this area and your resume doesn’t show a facility for hitting…
Humph, Mr. Ruth, what kind of language is that? Of course, I’ve never hit a curveball but that’s beside the point. No, Mr. Ruth I’ve never hit a fastball either, but… Now wait one minute, I’ve played catch with my son so I’ve got a certain “understanding” of the game and pitchers pitch, and hitters, well they hit. Our clients expect our people to hit, pardon the pun, the ground running, not learn on the job. Why Mr. Ruth, if we did what you are asking, I don’t think we would be hitting many home runs, now would we.
Also, the reason I wanted to meet with you is that I wanted to make sure that you were presentable to our clients. So, about that belly…
| Farnorth
Global user
(3/30/00 1:12:32 pm)
208.162.148.50
Reply | Edit | Del | Hi. Mr. Zachman?
Hi. My name's Brad. I'm calling from A***T*k. Hi.
Wow, um, I can't believe you're, like, interested in working in high tech. Like, my mom really loved you in that band Zachman, Turner Overdrive.
Hello?
Mr. Zachman? Hello?
| ColinR
Local user
(3/30/00 2:54:00 pm)
137.122.105.56
Reply | Edit | Del | Only Canadians will get this one...
...BTO - one of the great Canadian rock bands
| David E
Global user
(3/30/00 3:22:24 pm)
167.193.64.72
Reply | Edit | Del | Heard them on the radio here in Georgia
Just the other day I swear I heard "Taking Care of Business" while driving to work. And hardly a day passes without seeing or hearing Céline Dion on something. Canadians are big in the U.S. entertainment industry. My mother was right. If I hadn't quit my piano lessons I might have a green card by now.
| Dinosaur
Local user
(3/30/00 6:12:17 pm)
206.141.217.199
Reply | Edit | Del | Re: Ms Hopper...mind if I call you Grace?...
Try "Admiral", sonny!
Over what hill? I don't remember any hill!
| ColinR
Local user
(3/31/00 7:18:03 am)
137.122.105.56
Reply | Edit | Del | Céline? Please...
...no body outside of Quebec in Canada admits to listening to her on purpose! She is the French incarnation of Cher (in her own mind anyways). You probably hear alot of her in your neck of the woods because so many Quebec folks vacation in Georgia/Florida area.
Hey, tickets go on sale tomorrow for the reunion tour of the Guess Who, if you are interested though. After Mr. Z(B)achman got turned down for the contracting gig, he must have decided to bury the hatchet with Burton Cummings and do the tour.
| David Cressey
Global user
(3/31/00 8:25:52 am)
206.15.142.85
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello. Is this Billy Gates?
Hi. This Raugh Meete, calling you, and this is your lucky day. You've been selected to apply for an opportunity as an affiliated associate over here at Leowe, Downe, and Duherty.
As an affiliated associate, you'll get the name recognition that goes with one of the largest and most prestigious firms in this industry. You'll get access to all the best opportunities to advance your career and face exciting new challenges.
First we'll interview you here. That way we can make sure you know how to dress right, and say the right things in front of a customer. Then, we'll issue you a set of professional looking business cards from Leowe, Downe, and Duherty, with your name right on them!
...yeah, that's right, we don't want you using any of your own cards. That just confuses our customer, and we don't want to do that. If anybody asks, you just say you're an employee of Leowe, Downe, and Duherty. Technically, you won't actually be an affiliated associate until you begin your first contract, but our customer doesn't need to know that.
...well, you know, I was coming to that. Your resume reads kind of funny. It's almost like you can't make up your mind whether you want to be a technical type or a marketing type. Well, I've seen a lot of people come and go in this industry, and people who try to do both usually end up not doing either one very well.
Let me tell you one simple truth: If you look like a geek, and you act like a geek, and you talk like a geek, you're a geek. And customers don't want to buy from geeks.
Yeah, sure, you've managed to land a few two bit contracts on your own. But if you were faced with a real Fortune 500 customer, like IBM, you wouldn't know how to act.
You'd be lucky to get past the front desk. And even if you did, they'd never let you finish your pitch. They'd call security and march your ass right out to the parking lot so fast it would make your head spin.
No, you need people like us. We've got the contacts, we can close the deals, and we can put you to work right away.
Say, did you get an MBA from the Harvard Business School? ...Oh... I guess you got in a little over your head, didn't you? Well, never mind.
...yes, well we like to keep it simple. Things like vacations, retirement, severance, and health insurance just make it complicated. Here's how it works: the customer hires you, you do the work, the customer pays us, and then we pay you. Simple.
How much? For you, about $30 an hour.
Look, I guess I'm going to have to remind you where you are on the food chain here. Almost all of your technical projects involve BASIC. You know, and I know, what the "B" in "BASIC" stands for. It stands for "Beginner", right? Or am I wrong?
Look we already have enough on you to make sure you never work in this town again, if it comes to that. If push comes to shove, you're going to find that it's very hard to go against us.
But you're too smart to let that happen, aren't you? You not gonna bite the hand that feeds you, are you?
Look at it this way: you work 2000 hours in one year, and that's sixty thousand bucks in your pocket. That's probably more money than you ever expected to see in one place in your life!
Regards,
David Cressey
ICCA Member since 1986
Edited by David Cressey at: 3/31/00 8:25:52 am
| Cathar
Global user
(3/31/00 9:49:55 am)
192.31.86.35
Reply | Edit | Del | Canuck Rockers
Gotta mention Neil Young.
Martha and the Muffins - although I'm probably the last guy on earth who remembers them.
Wasn't Def Leppard Canadian?
| Compugasm
Global user
(6/2/00 5:01:16 am)
209.245.41.8
Reply | Edit | Del
| Genius
Your graphic skills are amazing, I have never seen such stunning, detailed, and professional work from a freelance graphic artist. However, We're worried that we didn't really get to see any working websites in your portfolio. I am an idiot who doesn't realize websites change addresses, or companies go bankrupt. Also, In your "programs used" we didn't see CGI. We decided after a lot of thought not to make you an offer.
Master Compugasm http://64.45.19.84/
| IT Whore
Unregistered User
(6/2/00 6:08:56 am)
12.24.200.253
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Stroustrup
I see that you have Danish citizenship. Also, you have no NT experience. I don't think the client will sponsor an H1B for mainframe guy, sorry.
| chicagowebgeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:00:13 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello, Ms. Hopper..
..Hi, yes I see that. You found a moth. Very good, very good. Our client is looking for programmers, not exterminators. Now, when you have your VB Certification, please feel free to call us back.
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:02:38 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Torvalds....
Say, we think you're great and all. However our client specifically asked for somebody who was Red-Hat certified. I'm sorry, but there's just nothing I can do.
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:06:34 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Hello, Mr. Ritchie...
Dear Mr. Ritchie,
It was a pleasure meeting with you today to discuss your resume.
We presented you to our client and are afraid we were unable to place you at this time. While you are proficient in C, our client is currently building their applications in C++. In addition, they felt your experience with the Microsoft Foundation Class was severely lacking.
If you decide to become certified in these areas, we would be happy to re-evaluate your resume.
Sincerely,
Bigus Dickus
Brian Placements
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:14:06 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | Mr. Van Gof is it?
..oh, it's pronounced Go. So sorry.
We looked at your portfolio and, well, we don't feel it's a good match for our web design position. We are in the business of selling beans online, and frankly, the stuff you showed me. I just don't get it. You have no clear-cut spatial organization and your color schemes are horrendous.
What I would suggest is that you give your ear to some lectures on graphic design. Also, you may want to pick up some books like "Web Pages that Suck." and "Working with PhotoShop".
| ChicagoWebGeek
Unregistered User
(7/4/00 3:23:42 pm)
207.229.132.152
Reply | Edit | Del | That paradigm just doesn't fit ....
... into the new economy Mr. Ogilvy.
Now look. I have been developing web pages for 3 years now, so I know. You don't even know your HTML. Don't give me Ogilvly on Advertising this, and ogilvy that. Oh sure, so you made a few print ads. We are in the business of monetizing eyeballs to build cooperative interactive vertical communities to harness, sythesize, and revolutionize the Internet space our clients occupy. We're not looking for ad-men.
|
Contributed by David Cressey
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