|
|
| Author | Subject | Webmaster Extraodinaire
Unregistered User
(6/12/00 6:52:20 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del All | A dark and stormy night
Everyone here seen or played the game where a person writes a paragraph followed by someone else writing a paragraph followed by someone else until a story is written? Sometimes extraordinary hilarity ensues and sometimes not or maybe no one will care.
I've been dying to do this here, so here goes. One guideline is to keep things to a paragraph. It can be a long paragraph but just one paragraph.
It was a dark and stormy night. The damn cat wouldn't stop meowing, as if by being louder we'd care more. The rain pittering against the roof never ceased, not unlike borker prattle, and so I slept poorly my dreams filled with unease as if I were in a borker's office.
| Dinosaur
Local user
(6/12/00 7:17:03 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Re: A dark and stormy night
I awoke at daybreak. Waiting in my kitchen was Borquette, legs crossed, luscious, obvious, disgusting.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer.
“I am going to change your life.” Uncrossing her legs and crossing them the other way.
“Yes, but what’s in it for you?”
Over what hill? I don't remember any hill!
| TomScott 
Moderator
(6/12/00 7:34:15 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Re: A dark and stormy night - Part 3
Sensously, she pressed her full lips together. I wondered if she had had one of those lip procedures. I had never seen such full lips before. Her skirt rode up a bit as she crossed her legs again. "Nothing's in it for me, Hunkomatic," she said. "I found your resume on the Net, and I have the perfect gig for you." She leaned down to pick up the shiny leather briefcase leaning against the leg of the kitchen chair. I struggled to avoid looking at her cleavage, unsuccessfully. "We have a real simple contract," she said. "But I've got to let them know before 9, so if you can just sign here, we'll start things rolling." I picked up the contract. It was 8 point Helvetica, on legal size sheets, and five pages long. There was no way I could read all that in five minutes. Surely she was telling the truth. What did I have to lose? I picked up the pen and signed, my index finger and thumb a centimeter away from her dark maroon fingernails. As the pen dotted the last "i" in my name, her hand crept over mine, erasing my worries. She smiled deeply. "You won't regret this," she said.
More info on Scott Consulting, Inc.
| Geez Louise
Unregistered User
(6/12/00 10:07:14 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | A stark and gormy night, Part 4
It's 2am, and I'm regretting it. I've got 6 slugs in me. One of em's lead, the other five are bourbon. The lead one wound up in my foot when I questioned the borquette about some of the provisions of the contract that I signed last night. Who'd have thought that someone with such a nice intro line as "Hi, I'm Sally from Axis" woulda been packin' heat? F'r instance, since when does a contract penalty clause read 'two vital organs -- OUR choice' ? There was also some penalty which involved me having to demonstrate bungee-jumping to some big crowd of Mexicans .... what the heck is a 'pinata'?
| Aesirblood
Unregistered User
(6/13/00 1:44:40 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt. 5
I don't know when I passed out, but it happened. In my dreams two men came for me. I couldn't see their faces clearly but I knew to be afraid of them. Very afraid. I began to run, down long dark cabling, through blinking circuit boards. I ran and I ran, but every time I looked over my shoulder they were there, jogging steadily after me. And then, they were mounted on camels, clopping along. You know when dreams jump into a different gear and suddenly things make a little less sense? Well, that's what happened. It was horrible and confusing and frightening....
I started awake in the pre-dawn darkness. The sheets were soaked with my sweat and the room stank of liquor and fear. I looked to the other side of the bed, only to see.....
| SAPConsultant 
Global user
(6/13/00 1:55:17 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt. 6
... the client manager sitting on the edge of my bed.
"Where the hell ya been," He asked gruffly, his bald head shimmering in the new morning light. "We expected you yesterday!"
He stood, clasped his hands behind his back and grunted. "You know, for $200 an hour, I expect so much more than this!"
I shook my head in abject confusion and stuttered, "Two.. two.. two HUNDRED an hour?" The manager nodded. "But, but, I only make $43 and they aren't even including expenses!"
The client manager grunted and shrugged, "Not my problem, kid-whiz. Now, get your ass to the office by 8 am, got it?"
I stared dumbly as the large man lumbered out of my apartment...
| Regular
Unregistered User
(6/13/00 4:13:01 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt 7
He stopped in the doorway and turned.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're gonna be workin' in the branch office in Bucksnort, Tennessee. There's a Motel 6 across the road from the plant and I gotta couple more shoppers there that need a roommate. They're not makin' the big bucks like you!"
"We're remodlin' the office and you're gonna get a bran' new foldin' table we bought at Sam's Wholesale. You're gettin' the best 386 in the plant! Watch out for those wires hangin' out of the ceiling though, some of 'em are still hot. Oh, you didn't hear about what happened to the last contractor we sent down there?"
"Huh-uh", I muttered....
"Just wait till you meet Chester. Chester will fix you right up..."
| TomScott
Moderator
(6/13/00 5:33:20 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Please put new installments as a reply to....
...the topic. Otherwise, by installment #15, we will be so far indented it will be impossible to follow.
More info on Scott Consulting, Inc.
| Ernie Hemorroid
Unregistered User
(6/13/00 5:52:58 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt. 8
Chester leaned forward to point out the file I would be working on. He drooled on my leg while I left a smudge mark on my monitor.
"Y'all got it easy. This script has a 19 page seven level while loop. The last guy lasted a week before he went nuts and ran out saying there weren't enough Federal Reserve tokens in the universe to keep him here. But Ah know you're tougher stuff."
I was stunned. I stared at the script, all of the variables had names like I1l0O0o0lI1. The loop was nested but not indented.
Just then the pay phone outside the restrooms rang. Chester ambled over and picked it up.
"It's for y'all."
It was my borkette. Somehow she didn't sound quite as sultry this time around.
"According to rule 1706, we can't pay you until a year after the contract completes. The per diem got cancelled too, but we are going to send you a sack of potatoes as your Christmas gift. Oh, and your name plate will arrive by FedEx tomorrow morning. Have a nice day." She hung up.
Suddenly the lights flickered and I heard thunder. Chester's eyed glowed an unearthly red.
"We are real hospitable to you high paid contractors, yes sir, real hospitable."
| Celtic Boyo
Unregistered User
(6/13/00 8:19:20 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt 9
"That's mighty fine Scotch you keep in your filing cabinet," said Chester. "Brings the blood to your cheeks".
"Looks like it forced some into your eyes and all", I said, disconcerted by their glow. "How do you get them to strobe like that in time with your words?"
"Don't rightly know", said Chester. "You see, I'm channelling the ghosts of borquettes past, but the sods are too cheap to pay for decent bandwidth. Reckon I'm getting some data integrity problems in the transmission."
Like any true techo, I had spent ten minutes pinging Chester's network connection looking for the data transmission fault, before I realised the implication of what he had said.
"You're channeling oldtime borquettes?" I exclaimed.
"Yeah", said Chester. "Wanna see one?"
Chester went into reception-mode, strobe-effect and all.
"Piratical Placements, Inc. Wendy the Wench speaking. How may I help you?"
"Well, uh.....", I said, with my usual flair.
"Do you have any requirements for scurvy swabs, sir ? We have a fresh batch of H1B's just in from the Spanish Main. I could get one in to speak with you, if you like. They're all on liberty at my flat at the moment .... and let me tell you, when those dudes take liberties, THEY REALLY TAKE LIBERTIES. In fact ……."
Before I can say anything, Chester’s data transmission started to go awry. Suddenly, the static cleared and ……
| SAPConsultant
Global user
(6/13/00 9:29:48 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt 10
and Chester shook his head in frustration. "Ah damn I hate it when they blink out on me like that. And she's a one fine wench, Ah'll tell y'all that right here and now!"
I stared in utter amazement as his chest deflated before my eyes, returning the flacid skin to it's rightful yet ungainly shape.
"So, Chester, how many contractors, exactly, have you burned through so far?" I asked pensively.
"Well now," he drawled slowly, "Thata surely depends on what is is, ya know!" He laughed at his own attempt at a joke as he pulled out a thick cigar. He lit the foul tube of leaf and blew the smoke in my face. "There was Harry the Canary -- he went to some group about our software license issue -- we never do hear from him. Then there was Ralph the Mouth -- the kid thought he knew more about programming than God Almighty, let me tell you that." He spit a wad of tobacco onto the cement floor under my desk.
"All told, maybe 12 since March, round abouts," he answered finally.
"March?" I muttered. He nodded and smiled. "But there was this one contractor who lasted almost a week," he said with obvious respect, "Let me tell ya about her..."
| Honest Guy
Local user
(6/14/00 5:17:49 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | pt 11
BRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!
Damn, Chester was down and smoking bad. I was scared, Pinata, natural disaster, were they in the same sentence? All I could remember were the fingernails and those lips...
After a moment's hesitation I made my way to Chester. Could I save him? That's when I spotted the problem: Recoton. Damn them. Chester was worth more than $5.99 and they knew it but they never listen. Why that pirate wench alone could get $3.95 a minute.
That's when Chester mumbled something. I couldn't make it all out but I'm sure I heard "reboot...running....NT....almost always.....works...."
That's when I knew what I must do.
| Terry
Local user
(6/14/00 5:47:21 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt 12
Chester lay heaped on his side on the floor and a sickly greenish ooze trickled slowly from his slack mouth. Yes, I knew what to do. Forget NT! Only a linux-ectomy could save him! Fortunately I had a sparc processor and a Red Hat cd in my pocket.
Smoothly sloting the chip in his skull, the cd another orifice, a quick rebuilt and reboot: the dull glow from Chester's left eye showed life still flowed through his veins. I breathed a sigh of relief an lit a Lucky Strike. As the first puff soothed my heated brain, I could tell something was happening to the pulsing mass of protoplasm on the floor.
Flickering like a mini-holodeck, Chester did not look good, but he did look different. Like he'd had bad pastrami and a double scotch for lunch, he was morphing, seething. Before I knew it, he'd become the borquette of my dreams! Angelina, tight v-necked white angora sweater, miniskirt and loose wisp of blonde hair falling carelessly over one eye.
She leaned forward, licked her voluptuous lips, breathed noisily and said
| Geez Louise
Unregistered User
(6/14/00 7:03:00 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del | Pt 13
and belched. That red-eye that Chester chose to call 'Scotch' will do it to you every time.
"....Xena ! You must find Xena C.W.P !".
"C.W.P. ?", I asked.
"Code Warrior Princess", muttered the Chest....uhh....Chester....err...whatever. "She's the project's only hope. She's the one I was telling about, the one who lasted a month here."
"Is she any good ?", I asked.
"Bitchin', dude. Oh, you mean her coding. Yeah, that's not bad either. Course all her documentation is in Ancient Greek, but there's nothing wrong with her COBOL."
"How come she only lasted a month then?"
"Well, some guy in marketing tried one of his pick-up lines on her. I seem to remember it was 'Hey, all them curves and me with no brakes!'. Bad move. He gets out of the hospital some time next month."
"So how do I go about finding this Xena."
"You must travel to the ancient Peleponnese via a time machine.
Then you must make your way to the Delphic Oracle for word on her lastest location. Then there’ll be the usual seven-labors-of-Hercules thing, plus a ten-year Odyssey.
Alternatively, you could try DICE, but surely you don’t want to have to do this the hard way
|
|
